Words
by sarascofield72
Summary: This is a missing fic, post the Christmas special. Lyatt fluff and angst! Wyatt was confused by Lucy's behavior and went digging into the journal for answers.


A/N: Hello Clockblockers! This is my first Timeless/ Lyatt fic and takes place after the Christmas special. Just felt like I should finish Lyatt week off with this. I do love this show- joined the fandom late and am still hoping we can convince them to have another season. All we can do it try, right ? Please R and R !

Something didn't seem right with Lucy.

And Wyatt was determined to find out what.

Ever since they returned from North Korea he thought that he had made himself clear. In fact he was pretty clear before that mission, sliding onto the floor, back against the wall, professing his love her for without so much as a shrug in return from the brunette. He got nothing but her silent, sad stare.

But since that incident, they had the North Korea mission. The mission where he rescued a newborn and a family was saved. They had returned on better terms. She had confessed her feelings in that frigid chapel and he thanked God for small mercies that night. He still was in disbelief that she forgave all of it. The pain he had inflicted on her. On all of them. This woman ...he didn't deserve any of her forgiveness and he swore that from that moment, no more time would be wasted between them. That night was magical and he found that making up for lost time was his favorite past time. So why did he feel so empty every morning since that night?

Yes, he suspected that the bunker felt a bit small and tight since they were now sharing a room. Or maybe it was the fact that both Jiya and Rufus decided along with Lucy and Wyatt to stay on despite being released by Homeland. Two couples in such an awkward space sharing a kitchen...a bathroom? Definitely a reason for Lucy to be uncomfortable. But she never expressed any of this. All those nights spent entangled in each other's arms and legs only to be lost to him every morning. So, why wouldn't she explain herself?

Every morning he would awaken to a cold empty bed. It didn't matter whether they had become intimate before falling sleep or in the early morning hours. He never woke up with her in his arms. And it damned near killed him.

So he attempted to ask her directly, on their first morning after that night of "making up for lost time". He had found her whispering something to Jiya over a cup of coffee in the communal kitchen. As Jiya brushed past him apologetically he couldn't help but wonder whether the two women had been discussing him. Lucy immediately walked toward the coffee pot to pour him a cup.

"Coffee?...It's probably the only thing I can make . Sorry" she smiled shyly.

"Sure, I'll take one." He glanced at her briefly. She seemed distracted and her cheeks were wet. Had she been crying to Jiya when he entered? On Christmas morning... the morning after they had returned to each other? Why?

And this pattern continued for days. Some mornings he would find her on a couch in the bunker community room, sometimes asleep with the TV on or huddled talking to Jiya. But never in his arms in bed. Never.

But when he asked, her excuses were always about not wanting to stay in bed too late, or being awakened early by the noises from the other occupants in the bunker.

So Wyatt decided enough was enough.

Here he was opening the drawers of her night table looking desperately for answers that he knew he would find in that fateful journal.

Then...

Lucy walked into the room to find Wyatt slumped onto the floor next to her night table, his back to her.

"Wyatt?"

He flinched but didn't turn around.

And then she realized he was sniffling.

"Wyatt?" She walked over and grabbed the journal out of his hand. "Oh God! You read this? "

She was wiping her own tears as she pulled it from him.

After what seemed like an eternity she sighed "Well now you know."

"What?" he whispered.

"How pathetic I am."

Silence. He was dumbfounded. This brave woman just called herself pathetic.

" I don't understand what's in this journal. You're afraid that I'm gonna leave again?" he whispered, his back still to her , his head looking down at where the journal had been held in his hands.

"What?"

"Luce" He choked out. "Oh God"

And now he was sobbing loudly.

And Lucy had never felt so gutted at hearing a sound.

He turned to look at her and was completely floored by the reflection of pain in her face.

Reaching for her , drawing her to him, her face became buried in his neck and she was sobbing.

"Why would you give yourself to me every night if you didn't think that I loved you , that I would stay?" he whispered

"Wyatt," she sniffed. "You have no idea do you?" she muttered.

"No idea about what?"

"Wyatt. I give myself to you because I know how _I_ feel."

And there it was.

The truth.

This phenomenal woman who had forgiven him for everything , who gave him everything, who loved him , was haunted by thoughts of unrequited love and heart break.

Again.

All because of him.

"I think we need to talk Lucy."

"Wyatt" she sighed.

"Luce, please? Can I just."

She gave a nod as she sat down to face him. Reaching out he gently extracted the journal from her hands as she took a deep breath. Flipping through the pages, he found what he was looking for and read out loud:

"Even though I told him to go be with Jessica, it still hurts. He chose her in the end as if our time in Hollywood never happened. I couldn't really blame him either. God knows , men like Wyatt Logan don't usually choose nerdy , inexperienced women like me. I was an idiot for believing anything else." His voice cracked as he wiped his cheeks.

He flipped the pages and continued:

"Every night I find myself unable to stay with him until the morning. I have to get out of the bed or else I feel like it would all be too much. Like I am back in that sinking car. I can't. I would never recover. I barely recovered after losing him after one night of being together . To lose him after waking up in his arms every morning would kill me. So, I make up an excuse or avoid him . " He sniffed.

He took his eyes off the page and looked up at her.

They were both crying again. Wyatt's lips were trembling and he looked the picture of misery. He knew something had not been right. But, this? No. To discover that Lucy was hollow inside because of him? She had pretty much surrendered to the idea that he could never love her like she needed him to. That he would leave eventually, so she just accepted whatever time he gave her for now?

He had to fix this . He had to fix it now.

"Come 'ere" he whispered, gently pulling her down to where he sat on the floor.

She let him guide her and sat next to him while he lovingly hugged her with his right arm around her shoulder. He rubbed her shoulder gently and kissed her temple.

"I have something for you."

"For me?" she sniffed

She watched him get up and reach into his bottom drawer.

The small velvet box he pulled out almost fell to the floor in his haste.

"What are you doing?" she was shaking.

"Lucy. Please. Let me do this before I ...can't ."

"Okay." she whispered as he placed the box in her trembling left hand. He opened it and showed her the contents with a worried look on his face.

"I love you so much Lucy...so much. " He said. " I need to make you believe that. "

He slowly removed the beautiful white gold classic cut ring from the box and placed it on her ring finger.

Lucy was holding her breath.

"You've doubted how I feel about you for too long ...and that's entirely my fault. And it kills me. If you let me try to be the husband you deserve it would make me so happy Luce. Please say yes. I'll prove it to you. Everyday."

"Wyatt, wait."

He kissed her ring finger. And she thought she was going to melt right then and there.

But then she remembered he might be doing this out of pity _for_ her. After reading her diary who wouldn't feel sorry? She couldn't say yes. After all, she wasn't Jessica, his lightning bolt. She would be leading him down another path to a miserable marriage if she agreed.

So she told him she couldn't .

And ran down the hallway to the bathroom leaving him wallowing in self pity.

Later that night he decided to ask Jiya. Maybe she could shed some light on the situation. But the minute he asked, he regretted it.

"She thought after we all left the bunker, you guys would just go your separate ways Wyatt." Jiya answered.

"What?" he whispered in confusion, still trying to process what she had said. "But...we never talked about this. How could she think that we would separate after..."

"Why wouldn't you Wyatt? Jiya said dryly. "Because you're sleeping together?" She asked pointedly.

The realization then dawned on him. They _had_ been here before, sleeping together, then going their separate ways. They _had_ talked about it. The interrupted conversation in front of the fan, before Jess had texted him/ he had walked away then after being with Lucy that night. Why would this time be any different?

It wouldn't be. Not to Lucy.

After they had joked about already living together. "_It could only go downhill from here_."

Of course Lucy had no faith in a future with him! She was preparing herself for the worst. She was familiar with him walking away. He chastised himelf for not realizing that sooner.

_Time to make things right Logan._

He opened the bedroom door to find that she had fallen asleep . Her back was facing him but she stirred when he entered. She didn't turn to look at him.

He moved quietly over to her side of the bed and sat while placing the back of his hands on her cheek.

"Hey"

It was then that he really saw it. Her heart had been totally shattered...all this time.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked.

She wrinkled her brow in slight confusion before her eyes widened.

"You don't want to talk about... your proposal?" She swallowed.

"No" he whispered. "Not now anyway. I want to know about you. How did you cope? How did you survive it? Because right now I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest when you said no to my proposal and _you_ didn't flaunt your reason in front of me like I did to you."

The tears immediately fell at his mention of Jessica. She really didn't want to relive this. She was unsure of whether she could tell him without falling apart.

It amazed her that they had never discussed that time until now.

But she had already cried earlier, tissues on her side table were proof of that. Maybe she was all cried out.

"Why do you want to know Wy?"

"Because I need to make things right. "

He moved closer to her and took her hands in his, kissed her knuckles and said."I need to hear the words from you. Reading the journal is not the same."

"Okay""

"I went through hell." she confessed. "I wasn't sure that I _would_ survive it." She smiled weakly. "And I felt like crap resenting you for doing the honorable thing. That only made it worse. I hated myself . Some days I felt like maybe I deserved to be alone and miserable. Like I deserved to face Jesssica in here everyday just for being that resentful. "

"And some days I didn't want to face the day when I realized it _hadn't_ been just a nightmare."

"So you were miserable _and_ hated yourself for feeling miserable." He stated under his breath

"I guess that sums it up, yes." She sobbed and wiped her nose.

"I drank to try to forget."

He turned to look at her

"Bet you had no idea I was passed out drunk every night for days." she smiled sadly.

"I didn't. But I am not judging you. I have no right to."

"Flynn knew." He flinched at those words. He supposed he deserved to hear that. "I...I didn't drink in the beginning. I just cried myself to sleep for a few days. It was getting harder to hide it from Jiya ...you know ...as we were roommates. So I started drinking while watching TV out there. He found me on the floor in the bathroom one night. " She sobbed. "I must have passed out. The bottle was next to me when he found me. "

"Don't worry, he didn't tell the others." She sniffed. "I begged him not to tell and he agreed with one condition. That I would talk to him about it . So I agreed to it. I didn't want anyone to blame you for it anyway."

He continued to look at her in utter amazement. He had hurt her so badly...and she sill loved him enough to try to protect his reputation.

"Luce, the last person you should have been worrying about is me. I did this. To you ."

"Maybe that's true." she looked away. "Or maybe I don't deserve to have everything I want after begrudging you your resurrected wife Wyatt. Maybe you shouldn't be with me if I am not your lightning bolt."

"What ?"

"You know. Your lightning bolt. What you felt with Jessica. Remember the story you told Bonnie and Clyde? I would never want you to experience another failed marriage."

"Lucy." He closed his eyes to compose himself. "That story was not real. At least not back then."

"What?" she appeared shocked.

"I told that story to keep them convinced about us. It was made up. "

"Oh."

"I have felt the lightning bolt though."

"You have?" she asked timidly.

He answered smiling. " When we were together in Hollywood. That night."

Lucy was fighting back tears again.

"You asked me the next day if it had been okay."

He paused.

"Why'd you ask me that?" Now Wyatt was choked up.

She looked down, played with her fingers but said nothing.

"God Luce, someone said something to you about ..."

"My ex. I don't really blame him Wyatt. I'm not very experienced, if you know what I mean?" she sniffed again and grimaced at the memory. "And then he left. "

"Just like I did." he said to himself as his self hatred blossomed.

"Luce." he took a deep breath. "What you were really asking me is if you were enough. And I just brushed your question aside like the jackass that I am. "

"Honestly Wyatt, that was so long ago..."

"But you still believe it Lucy. You still believe him. And you thought I felt the same." He paused. "And I think it's all probably why you won't say yes."

"For the record, you must be out of your mind to believe... " He grumbled. " Lucy, you've always been enough."

God she loved this man so much. He just always knew how to reach her. When she was in the depths of despair about "losing everything" he knew what to say. When she thought she couldn't be brave, he knew what to say. And now she was convinced that she was undeserving of him, of a solid relationship, of love . And here he was convincing her otherwise. Dare she believe him? That maybe the universe had forgiven her for wishing Jessica hadn't returned, for wishing that he had chosen her?

"Well maybe I am out of my goddamn mind." she sniffed.

"For giving me the time of day, yes you are." he said quietly.

She turned towards him with sorrow, then ran her fingers through his hair lovingly.

"Yes, Wyatt Logan" she said. "If you still want me."

He quirked a brow "you'll marry me?"

She nodded silently and sobbed pulling him toward her.

The end


End file.
